Funky Town — get out of your head

It’s been almost a month since my last post and I’m going to be really honest — I have been in a serious funk the last three weeks — like, serious FUNK. I don’t even know why. I mean, it could be because we are on month six of “spring break,” still in the middle of a global pandemic trying to start school and sort through what’s “right” for our family, or managing recovery from hip surgery and trying to plan the next round, maybe it’s hormonal,  or the fact that we lost, yes, LOST, our baby turtle, Shelly. She flat out disappeared from her daily outing in her enclosure. We — and by we, I mean me — spent hours that turned into days searching through every blade of grass, like “Honey-I-Shrunk-The-Kids” style trying to find her and searching “turtle lost outside…” on Google, reading through all the threads.

Maybe I just need to get out of my own head, away from everyone and everything and then feel totally guilty for feeling that way to begin with — did I mention maybe it’s hormonal. Maybe it’s just hard being a mom and a wife sometimes, trying to balance all the wants and needs, fit all the moving pieces together, taking from one place to fulfill another, all while knowing at some point it will eventually come tumbling down — like a giant Jenga set– and despite being “surrounded” by people, feeling completely isolated trying to keep the tower from falling. I know I’m not alone here, feeling like I’m almost outwardly watching myself focus on all the holes in the tower, instead of seeing how far it’s come.

After months of planning and replanning, I recently had a girls weekend. I have been friends with these women for 14+ years and to say we have been through some “life moments” together would definitely be an understatement. One day I will write a book that will consist solely of our text messages about packing for our first adults only trip away post all the babies. LOL The weekend was “essential” for so many reasons that obviously need no explanation, but was just what I needed — to step back. To look at the whole picture and stop focusing on all the missing pieces. Ironically, to get away and escape to be reminded that I’m not alone — that there are others who will fight for me when I can’t fight for myself.

This week I debated approximately one million times whether or not to go to Ft. Worth and stay with my parents during this latest storm. Traveling with a medically dependent child is no easy task, especially by yourself, but finally decided to go. So, three kids, a dog, a turtle #2, Mr. Bojangles, and I made the drive. As we were driving North, we passed 50+ electrical repair trucks, Army trucks and Texas EquuSearch teams heading South. I could not help but become emotional watching them head directly into harms way — the exact direction I was running away from. Although Houston was not on the direct path of this hurricane, seeing the build up and prep on the coast brought back so many emotions from Ike and Harvey. It’s like an instant replay in your head of the images you saw or experienced come flooding back — good and bad. During Ike, I was working for Habitat for Horses and we were head of all equine search and rescue. I will never forget being on the island the day after the storm hit and seeing the devastation. So when I saw all the trucks, I couldn’t help but want to jump on one of them to help, but instead I was headed the opposite direction…a different path in this part of my life…playing a different role.

Maybe seeing all the rescue teams going down stirred up so many feelings because that’s really what I wanted…to be rescued. From trying to piece together all the emotions this last month, to get out of this funk, to get out of my own head. It all came to a tipping point. I had to let it go, let the bricks come falling down and allow myself to be rescued; to be delivered from the confinement I had built myself. So, I’m going stay here, away from it all, allow myself to escape, take a break and reset. Reminding myself that there is only one who can truly rescue my soul, fill in the holes and put each piece back together. “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything in creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” — Romans 8: 38-39

He will rescue me.