I hate Running

Covid quarantine day number…who is really keeping track anymore? Seriously, this is just like every other day. I do know it’ s Sunday because one: my husband is home, and two it’s virtual church day. I decided I wanted to go for a run before the rain started, so I went for a run and the rain started. Whatever — I’ve run in worse. I really do have a love-hate relationship with running, but it is one of the only times I get for me. To get outside of my head, or in it, and reset. Let’s face it, as a mom, time for yourself is rare and sometimes hiding in the closet or bathroom just doesn’t cut it, especially when there are little fingers poking under the door and it sounds like someone may or may not have initiated Fight Club in the living room. In all honesty, it’s hard, really hard to take that time because sometimes I feel like it’s physically impossible to mentally separate yourself from your children or spouse for a mere thirty minutes. To stop asking yourself,  “Did I do enough?”  “Could I have done differently?”…to stop worrying. And that’s exactly what we need…to stop worrying. To give ourselves a little bit of grace and have a little bit of faith. Like, why do I have to preach this to myself every day?

You could say I’m a “high maintenance” runner. And today, odds are already against me. My wireless headphones are dead, so I’m using ones that have to be plugged in, I might as well be running with a lasso and I have my jerk dog who will be pulling the entire run…and let’s not forget it’s raining.  But we need to get out of the house, and by “we,” I mean — even the dog. As I mentioned, under good circumstances, I need as much motivation as one can receive to get “in the zone” and this is usually where music comes in. Is it going to be 90’s Club, Led Zeplin and the Stones, Lizzo, JT, Alternative Rock, or all of the above? But lately, my Pandora Hillsong station has been pulling through big time, and today was no exception. 

We are all living in uncertain times and uncharted territory right now, and we are all dealing with it differently. These last few weeks have been a total roller coaster, but the last couple times I’ve been running, I have been reminded of two things. Surrender. Surrender it all to God, give it to Him…the good, the bad and the ugly and we know it’s been ugly lately…surrender it and quit trying to take it back. 

This pandemic may be new territory for us, but it is not for God. None of this is a surprise to Him. I don’t know about you, but this is not the first time in my life I have been through a trial and come out on the other side. I find myself having to constantly remind myself of this very fact. To have faith by remembering. That God is still in the business of working miracles, still sovereign and unchanging. So when I find myself spinning in circles trying to make sense of anything and at my wits end mentally, and physically exhausted from the noise — I have to stop. Take five, if you will, and look back at what He has overcome. There can be extreme pain in remembering, but the joy comes too. When I see pictures of my twins in the NICU, weighing under two pounds, on ventilators, feeding tubes, too many IVs to count, fighting for their lives, it feels surreal that was our life for so many months. I truly believe I was being carried by God during that time and it came in many forms…my family, my husband, my church, my friends, nurses, doctors and total strangers all had a hand in carrying us over that mountain. We know there are going to be trials in our life, but as I was floating the Guadalupe river, just weeks before I had the twins at 24 weeks, I had no idea the climb ahead. But God did. 

As I began running in my “unfortunate” circumstances, lasso in hand and it began raining harder, the song, “Do It Again,” began to play. What a sweet, sweet reminder it was to have faith by remembering. That nothing is an accident, that He will make a way. 

He will make a way in the middle of uncertain chaos when you lose your job, your spouse leaves, your child is sick, a loved one dies and the expectations for your life are ripped apart. It is in these times there is opportunity for your faith to grow, trust to strengthen, and to experience peace that surpasses all understanding. When nothing makes sense and there is no end in sight, He calls you out by name, holding out His hand asking you to take one step, just one step. One day at a time. 

Let me make something clear though. Don’t for one second think that just because God isn’t surprised by any of this that it doesn’t make His heart ache. He cries with you, He is angry with you. He knows exactly what betrayal and loss feels like. When those He loved denied Him, when He sent His only son to sacrifice His life for us. Ya’ll, I don’t know about you, but momma bear is ready to go when she hears someone called one of their babies a “mean” name. So I don’t know anyone who would willingly let their only child suffer how Jesus suffered for us. There is no greater love than this.

I also am going to need recommendations for “no pull” leashes since I’m pretty sure I’ll have to do this again.

I’ve seen You move, come move the mountains
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again
You made a way, where there was no way
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again

Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness,
I’m still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed
You never failed me yet
And I never will forget

 — “Do It Again” Elevation Worship

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made…

— “Oceans” Hillsong United